


Sniper Goes Camping

by Osomatsu_Chan



Series: Team Fortress 2 Shinanigans [1]
Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Camping, Just camping with an asshole and some shit happens, No Gay Love, No Sex, Other, Team Fortress 2 - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-10
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-06-07 17:33:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6817099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Osomatsu_Chan/pseuds/Osomatsu_Chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sniper decides it's time to take a break from the team and to go camping out in the wilderness. Scout, being a city guy, decides to tag along, much to Sniper's annoyance. They live off the land and Scout learns not how only to pitch your own tent, but also learns the struggles of being away from the fabulous technologies he's so used to being around.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Sniper rolled over in bed, a splitting headache forming in the back of his head, and slowly got up and gave a mighty yawn. He shivered a little as his bare feet touched the cold floor of his camper van, but he fought against it and got up to make himself a pot of fresh coffee, his cure for his caffeine withdraw. As he waited for his coffee to brew, he rolled out a map and studied it for a bit, memorizing the route he was going to take to get to a camping site about a state or two over from Teufort. Once he said his farewells to everybody for the four day weekend, he’d head out and be at the site around supper time. Because of the long weekend, a lot of the guys would be out and visiting families or doing whatever, be it training or whatnot.

The coffee was soon ready and Sniper poured it into a large mug. The assassin left his camper and pulled out a folding chair and plumped into it, stretching out his long, slender legs and sighing happily as he adjusted his hat, watching the sun peek over the desert sands in the distance.

To him, there was never the same sunset or sunrise. Each one was different: Different colors in the sky, different cloud formations, different sights and sounds each and every morning and each and every night. His most favorite would have to be the pink or red with a touch of clouds in the distance as the sun slowly rode up in the sky. To him, it was heaven.

After finishing his pot of coffee, Sniper headed over to the base to gather some supplies for his trip. The usual essentials: some backup knives, Medkits and such. Never know if he was going to be mauled by a bear in the wilderness. Or if he was going to be stranded and having to keep warm in a bear he mauled for shelter. The shuffling of the noise was nearby Scout’s room, so who would have guessed a young twenty-three year old city boy would wake up, totally interrupted of precious beauty sleep wasted by Sniper. Sniper was tossing out Frying Pans, trophies, swords, armor, and a rubber ducky behind him and hitting the wall, making a rather large pile. Who’da thunk? And he was in his boxers. Classic Scout.

“Yo, Snipes. What the hell are ya doin’? Don’t ya know what time it is?” Scout grumbled as he rubbed his eye tiredly, a look of unamusement on his face.

Sniper didn’t reply, as he kept trying to look for something. “Where the hell is that bloody tarp?” he asked himself, continuing to make a large mess behind him.

“Sniper! Hey, I’m talkin’ ta ya! Hello, earth-to-Snipes?!” Scout shouted near Sniper’s face.

Sniper’s head perked up a bit and he turned to Scout, before turning up a corner of his lip in a scowl and returning to tossing items behind him. “Oh, it’s you,” was all the assassin said.

“Yeah, ‘me’. Seriously, what the hell’s with all the noise? Ya woke me up!” Scout replied sharply, dodging another tossed object.

Sniper didn’t reply, since he was busy stuffing his arm into a hole in the closet of god-knows-what and tugging onto something before jerking back violently. More junk came out in a heaping pile at his feet, but Sniper got what he wanted. It was a green tarp, alright. The pegs he needed were already in his van, so all he had to do… Wait.

“Scout, clean this up, will ya?” Sniper said as he walked off with the tarp.

“What?! Hell no! I didn’t make this fuckin’ mess! You clean it up!” Scout shouted at Sniper, who continued to walk off.

Defeated and enraged, Scout kicked an object in the pile and swore loudly, obviously forgetting he was barefoot.

._._._.

Around breakfast, the Mercs were just starting to get up. Not by the sing-song birds, but because of Scout yelling his head off about having to clean up a mess he didn’t make, in hopes the whole world would hear. In a way, they did. The German doctor, Medic, yelled at Scout to “Schnauze!” which Scout knew by now was “shut up!” as the Medic rubbed his temples from gaining a splitting headache over the noise. Medic walked over with a few other comrades to the breakfast hall, where Soldier, always up and ready, was sitting at the tables, an empty plate in front of him, like he was expecting to be “arrive first, served first, eat first”.

Pyro, the second to usually be up but wasn’t this morning, was in the kitchen making breakfast, which was burnt pancakes. The lifesaver of breakfast, Dell, was in the kitchen with Pyro, making his famous bacon and grits, eggs to the Merc’s liking and style, and some fresh homemade buttermilk biscuits to top it off. Usually the Mercs take turns with cooking breakfast on a rotation, but Dell always made the best out of everyone. A home cooked meal that’d “put some meat on your bones and give ya enough energy to last until supper time” as Engineer liked to say. Since Dell grew up on a ranch with his daddy, he knew “the start of a hard workin’ day was a good, wholesome breakfast.”

“C’mon, guys, rise and shine!” Engineer called out to the dining hall as he started serving the plates of eggs, bacon and grits onto the long metal counter. “Biscuits are just about done, but they gotta cool a bit before ya eat ‘em.”

Soldier was up and already filled his plate to the brim and began eating, claiming that “If you made mud pies in the war, Engie, it’d still taste like good ol’ American home cookin’!” Medic also filled his plate, along with Heavy, Demoman and Sniper, who came in a little later after finishing up with packing for his trip, and they each sat at their respected seats. Medic and Heavy usually sat together, like any other morning, and spoke of different things. Today’s topic was “Vhy vas Scout screaming?”

“Little man has big lungs. Even in morning. Heavy has headache,” Heavy sighed as he rubbed his head with a hand.

“Jah, my head feels like it is about to burst. Like I drank a can of zat blasted BONK Scheiße,” Medic replied, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Lil’ wanker was whinin’ because he had to clean up after me “mess”. He did owe me for that one time,” Sniper replied to the doctor before dipping his bacon into his eggs.

“Tha’ one time?” Demoman asked, puzzled.

“Don’ ask.” Sniper took a long gulp from his coffee, and it was left at that.

“Yo, who’s idea was it to keep the jars fulla PISS next to my Mad Milk storage?!” cried the youngest merc, who stormed into the dining area and was, thankfully, fully clothed this time.

“Says the van who stores his manners up vere it shouldn’t be,” Medic replied as he rolled his eyes. “Herr Scout, just sit down and eat.”

“Little man should eat. Best silence is when your mouth full of food,” Heavy said, causing a few of the mercs to laugh a little.

“Shut it, Fatass,” Scout snarked back as he filled his plate with food. Scout sat down with the rest of the Mercs and began to shovel his breakfast.

“Don’t choke, boy.” Scout looked up and saw Spy behind him, smoking as usual as he leaned against the wall in the back.

“Don’t cough up a lung, Frenchie. Seriously, it’s eight in the mornin’ and you’re smokin’?” Scout replied as he stuffed more egg and bacon into his mouth.

Spy just replied by taking a puff of his cigarette and blowing a long, slow stream of smoke. Scout just huffed and continued.

“Spah’s right, Scout,” Engineer said as he brought over a plate filled with biscuits, which everybody took a piece or two. 

“Whatever. Snipes. What’s with the mess this mornin’ anyways and wakin’ me up?” Scout said as he looked over to Sniper, bits and pieces of food popping out of his mouth.

Sniper scowled again before he answered. “I was tryin’ to find a tent tarp. I’m goin’ out this weekend on a trip.”

“What, to Australia? Ain’t those trips longer than four days?” Engineer asked this time as he sat with the rest of the group, Pyro sitting next to him with a strawberry milkshake for his breakfast.

“Yeah, but I heard there’s a place in Minnesota that’s good for campin’ out, so I thought I’d give it a try,” Sniper replied as he munched on his bacon and eggs.

“Pfft!” Scout said. “Campin’s easy. Ya just sit on your ass all day doin’ nuthin’. Just like ya do at your job.”

“I bet you can’t last a day in the woods, Wanker,” Sniper growled.

“Oh yeah? I’m the BEST at everything! I’ll prove you wrong, Snipes! I’ll even go without technology! No phones, no nuthin’! I’ll live off the land, no problem!” Scout said as he slammed his silverware on the table, a smug smirk on his face.

“Alright. It’s a deal. We leave tonight,” Sniper replied, calmly finishing his cup of coffee.

“Four days with no tv? Hah! Sounds like four MINUTES to me!” Scout laughed as he picked at his teeth with his finger. “Easy!”

Demoman looked over to Soldier and leaned in to him and whispered, “I bet me crate of Scrumpy he’ll be back within’ the ‘our o’ leavin’.”

._._._.

After an hour of getting Scout packed and ready for the trip, Scout continued to boast as what he was best at, causing Sniper to take a bandana and stuff it in Scout’s mouth, shutting him up… temporarily.

“Ya’ll come back in one piece, alright?” Engineer said as Sniper got into the driver’s seat of the van.

“Scout might be sent back in a body bag once I get annoyed by him enough. Trust me, mate… don’t be surprised if he shows up within the hour,” Sniper replied as he buckled up.

Sniper turned on the van and waved an arm out the window as his farewell to hell with Scout.

“Later losers!” Scout called out as the van drove off into the distance.

 

Silence.

 

Sweet, glorious silence.

All the mercs took a fresh breath of air and exhaled happily. Silence. But that was a good five seconds before Soldier bellowed:

“SURPRISE DRILL, MAGGOTS!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sniper and Scout are on the road, and back home some of the guys do the "surprise drill".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY I get around to this chapter after almost two years. Almost two ewe BUT here we go! :D EXITEMENT AND AWESOMENESS AWAITS!

Sniper was going to drive this van off a cliff. He swore it. He was going to tie up Scout with the spare rope he had in the back and ditch the van and let it drive full speed off and over a cliff. Then he’d be in peace and quiet after his car blew up in an (EPIC!!!) explosion. But then he’d be minus Scout AND his van. So he decided, multiple times, to not do it. Losing the camper wasn’t worth it if he had no way back home. That and killing a team member outside of base wasn’t worth the loss of his hard earned job. And it’s barely even been an hour since they left Teufort.  
“C’mon, man! This sucks! This ain’t even music!” Scout complained about everything, from the lack of air conditioning, the bad taste in Sniper’s music (which, the Sniper had, a limit to a few genres) and anything Scout’s big mouth can pick up and push out words.  
Sniper just growled as he continued to look straight at the road, his knuckles turning white as he gripped the steering wheel. They were heading out of a town for a quick pit stop, anything to get Scout to shut up. After a greasy pretzel and two hot dogs, things were quiet for about, oh… ten minutes?  
“My car, my radio,” Sniper replied through gritted teeth. To pass his anger out to something else, he “headshot” his bobble head on the dash. The more Scout whined and bitched, the faster and sharper Sniper flicked the bobble head.  
Shortly after, Scout finally managed to keep his mouth shut once he started looking around the van. An apricot air freshener that had long since expired was hanging on the rear-view mirror, an empty ashtray on the mantle (who knew Sniper smoked?) and the bobble head that Sniper was flicking, which Sniper started to give a break from since Scout started to shut up.  
"So..." Scout started, thinking about what to say. He actually didn't really know a lot of his teammates, but they know plenty about Scout, since he was always boasting about himself. "What made ya become an assassin?"  
"Well, that's uh... a good question," Sniper said, a little bit surprised that somebody such as Scout asked. "Well, it's challenging work. It's out of doors. I guarantee you'll not go hungry. High pay, too. I'd say my job is worth it. 'Cause at the end of the day, long as there's two people left on the planet, someone is gonna want someone dead. But why did I want to become one? I guess because I have the balls to do the dirty work for somebody else that's too scared to do it. Of course my parents don't approve of it. Dad sayin' I'm a crazed gunman. I'm an assassin, there's a difference. One's a mental job and the other's sickness."  
"So, some rich asshats that wanted somebody dead calls ya up all because ya throw piss?" Scout said as he raised a brow.  
Sniper growled a little bit. "No. It's because it's better than workin' on the farm gettin' my family nowhere in life. At least with Mann Co. I don't have to worry about other blokes gettin' my head as revenge all because I killed a few bigwigs back in the day."  
"Wait, you have other guys after ya?" Scout asked, his interest piped up.  
"Who knows, mate." Sniper shrugged as he turned the van onto a highway ramp. "Might still be lookin' for me after all these years or, to them, I'm off the face of the earth."  
._._._.  
Back at the base, Soldier was bellowing and barking orders at his teammates. Today was a "Surprise Drill" as he screamed out earlier, but training was anything but "surprising" as a few teammates snuck out from the "drill". Spy cloaked and went on his way to see a particular lover in Boston; Medic went back into his lab to tend to his doves (and maybe some experimentations of some sorts); and Demoman passed out and took a snooze on the training grounds. The only ones that had any interest in this "Surprise Drill" were the Engineer, Pyro and Heavy. Heavy only agreed to participate, to make "Soldier shut big mouth worse than Scout's" while Pyro chased butterflies around the field and Engineer took out a remote that brought forth robotic dummies he made.  
"Solly, I thought we'd have some fun and try out my new test dummies. The one's made of straw that you made is nice and all, but they don't last long against Pyro's flare guns or Sasha. That and it's a pain to sew patches into them once their "guts" spill out. We can dress them up and use them to scare away the crows in the gardens," Engineer said as the robots stood in a line, ready for their command.  
"Those blasted crows, always eating our crops. Alright, ladies! After training we'll get the crows crapping their pants once we get these maggots fit and ready for battle! Never again will they think to eat our corn!" Soldier turned his fist to the sky and shook it. "DO YOU HEAR ME?! YOU BASTARDS WILL LEAVE OUR AMERICAN RAISED CORN ALONE!!"  
Pyro showed their excitement with rapid hand clapping and making a noise that sounded like giggling and even bounced up and down in place. Engineer got Soldier and the bots, a few other Soldier robots, ready for training. Engie pressed a button and the Soldier bots roared to life. Soldier smirked and cracked his knuckles, drew his shovel and screamed, racing toward the bots, a mighty shovel over his head.  
TWACK! Went the shovel against a metal head. The impact left a dent in the bot, but it didn’t stop. The bot also took a turn to attack, punching Soldier straight in the gut, causing Soldier to double over, curling into a ball whilst standing. But he didn’t back down; Soldier straightened up, grabbed the bot by the head and screamed:  
“HUTTUH!!” NECK SNAP!!! went the robot’s head, sparks flickering from where the wires were ripped off. Soldier drop kicked the robot’s head in victory, accidently hitting Demoman, who started to wake up from his drunken slumber, causing him to pass out from the impact a moment after. Pyro took Demo to see Medic as Engineer regretted letting Soldier train with the bots. Neck snapping and bolts flying everywhere. Oh, well. At least Engie can test out that new magnet to find those stray screws and bolts later.  
“Heavy is next, da?” Heavy asked as he looked to Engineer.  
“Yeah, you’re up, Heavy. Lemme just shut down the rest of the bots and you’ll be next,” Engineer replied. He shut down the remaining robots, while Soldier was chomping on one of their arms like a mad dog, and let Heavy choose which bot to train against.  
Heavy chose to deal with agility, as his size made him a tad slow in that department, so he let Engineer send out a Scout bot. Heavy wanted to get better at dealing with the faster foes, especially because of his size and stature, and to get “revenge” on Scout for being such a nuisance. Heavy cracked his neck and knuckles, loosening his body and getting ready to attack. Engineer pressed a button and the Scout bot beeped to life. Immediately the Scout bot dodged Heavy’s punch, which landed close to the ground, and smacked Heavy upside the head, like how a typical Scout would.  
“MISSED ME!” cried the bot, who ran circles around Heavy.  
Heavy rubbed his head a little and growled. He cried out and continued to punch, but all he got was air as his foe. The Scout bot was quick and agile, barely skipping a beat. But a misstep caused the bot to stumble, letting Heavy get a punch in the chest for the bot, who was sent flying into a wall nearby. The robot flinched a little, tried to get up, but found himself stuck in the wall. Heavy walked over and smirked as he crossed his arms, looking down at his opponent in victory.  
“Nice one, Heavy. Wanna go another round?” Engineer asked, getting ready to call out another able bot.  
“Nyet. Heavy will go tend to Sasha,” Heavy replied as he headed back to base. He waved to Engineer as he walked back, a look of pride on his face.  
Engineer shrugged a little and cleaned up the mess (and tried to get Soldier to stop chomping on a dislodged arm before he ruined his teeth further) from the training. Carefully, he got the bots he was able to salvage into a trolley and rolled it back to his lab. A few pieces were still good, so they could be recycled to make a toaster or a microwave while those that were too damaged were melted into Scrap. The rest were left alone or replaced, as to save the bots and Engineer’s time to not make more than need be.  
“Mighty fine work,” Engineer nodded to himself. “Might wanna adjust the fluctuator on them real quick, since some of ‘em might have gotten dislodged.” Engineer continued to muse to himself on the bot’s conditions, whistle a tune here and there as he set to work.  
After a few hours of work, Engineer removed his goggles and helmet and wiped his face with a clean rag. “I wonder how Sniper is holdin’ up with Scout?” Just after he asked that, the phone rang. Engineer went to the phone and picked it up, wiping his hands with the rag. “Yello’?”  
“Hey, mate.”  
“Hey, Sniper! Ya’ll make it to the camp yet?” Engineer smiled when he realized who the voice was.  
“Er… not quite. Y’see, the van’s engine blew…”  
“Really? How?” Engineer asked, curious as he helped Sniper put in a new engine right before they left.  
“Let’s just say… a few “old friends” came to visit.” Sniper replied unsurely. “We took care of ‘em, but we’re kinda stuck in B.F.E. Luckily we made it to a town with a garage before the engine totally gave out, so Scout and I are gunna stay here for a few hours and head back on the road once she’s all fixed up. Shouldn’t take too long, maybe two hours or so.”

Sniper leaned against the wall, phone in hand, as he looked behind him. He and Scout went to a diner that was close by, so they would wait and have a bite to eat. Scout was at their booth, stuffing his face with fresh coconut cream pie, as he flirted with their waitress, who looked around thirty or so, and didn’t look too amused by Scout’s advances. Sniper ignored Scout as the Waitress splashed Scout with a glass of water over a sexual remark and went back to the conversation with Engie.  
“How’s the rest of the guys there since we’ve been gone? Who won the bet so far?”  
“Nobody yet. Well, Demo lost his bet of Scrumpy, so now he’s sayin’ Scout’ll be back within a day. Medic says Scout’ll come back with rabies he can treat with a new injection he’s been makin’ and Pyro says he’d have a lot of fun on the trip. At this point it’s anyone’s guess. Is Scout behavin’?”  
“Scout? Behaves? ‘Course not. He just got splashed by the waitress over his “moves”. Now I gotta leave an extra nice tip for the inconvenience.” Sniper sighed. “The sooner we get the camp the sooner I can relax.”  
“What about them “friends”?” Engineer asked. “They still around ya think?”  
“Who knows, mate. Probably. And I wouldn’t be surprised if there’d be more. But.” Sniper straightened up as he crossed his free arm over his chest. “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Got some MedKits and whatnot so we should be alroight. Anyways, I better go before Scout gets into more trouble.”  
“Alrighty then. See ya in a few days, Sniper.”  
“Cheers, mate. See ya later.”  
Sniper hung up the phone and went back to Scout, who was now dabbing his soaked shirt with some napkins from the dispenser at their table. Sniper sat down across from Scout and looked over the menu. He ignored Scout as best as he could while he looked over the lunch specials. He might just settle for a cup of coffee or three and have a bit of toast, to be honest.  
“Sheesh, I tell her she’s got a nice bod for a single mom and she splayshes me!” Scout grumbled as he continued to dab at his shirt and wipe his face.  
“Maybe she’s already got a husband.” Sniper replied with s shrug.  
“Yeah, I didn’t see no ring on her finger.” Scout sighed heavily and looked over the menu. “So, what we gunna do if those guys come back? Who were they anyways?”  
“They’re probably some bigwig’s henchmen or somethin’ to get revenge. Who knows. But what we’ll do is we’ll get ‘em if they mess with us again. I guarantee that.”


End file.
